almost okay

I SWEAR TO GOD A NEARLY VERBATIM CONVERSATION OVERHEARD AT BREAKFAST!
The Reason Why The Human Race Is Driving Me Crazy

One Saturday in August, while trying to have a nice, peaceful breakfast and read a book for a half hour or so, I was forced to listen to this hideous middle-aged woman with an enormous ass and fuzzy gray hair just talk and talk and talk (quite loudly, I might add) about what she was doing at any given moment until I thought I was going to scream. She was with her husband or boyfriend, somebody she called 'Honey'. “Is this okay, Honey?” she asked as she pointed to the booth directly in front of the one I was sitting in.

“It’s perfect”, said Honey. Yeah... perfect - for everybody but me.

She plopped her ass down facing me with Honey across from her so I could see the back of his stupid head, on which he wore a hat throughout the entire meal. At least it blocked my view of her. She then proceeded to yakyakyak until it was all I could do to keep from strangling the both of them.

“Did you wash your glasses this morning? Because they’re filthy. I know what I want. I want French toast and two eggs.” She looked over the menu and observed, “Oh, these are very good prices. Look, with this one you get two eggs, three different meats - sausage, bacon and ham, American fries and toast all for only $4.95. Give me your glasses and I’ll clean them off for you because they’re really filthy. I’ll take them into the bathroom and wash them and I’ll finish wiping them here.” Which she did.

When she came back, she said “Alright, now I’ll finish wiping them here. They were really filthy, you know,” she said as she finished wiping them there. “What are you going to have? I’m going to have French toast and two eggs. Where’s the waitress, I’m ready now. Oh, there she is. I’m ready.” Both she and Honey asked some pretty wise-ass questions of the waitress, many of which she didn’t know.

“What’s the famous fat sausage like? Is it wonderful?” This from Honey.

“I don’t know,” said the waitress, “I’ve never really tried it.” She went on to describe the sausage as best she could.

“How about the biscuits, are they made here?”

“I don’t know. Let me ask.” Sure enough they were made there. After much consideration Honey ordered the Sunrise Special, which normally includes all three breakfast meats, only he substituted some of the “wonderful” sausage for the regular and requested no ham.

“You can still bring me the pineapple slice, though, and I want my American fries extra crispy, and a couple of your home-made biscuits.”

“Instead of toast?”

“Yes, instead of toast.” He also requested a glass of water without ice, forcing the waitress to replace the glass of ice-water which she had already brought to the table.

“He has adversity to ice,” said the wife, “but only in his water. Ha. I’ll have some French toast and two eggs. What kind of bread do you have?” The waitress went down the list and I lost track of the inane conversation momentarily, but she eventually asked Wife how she wants her eggs prepared. “Oh, I don’t really like them runny, and I don’t really like them hard...hmmmm.”

“How about over medium?” offered the waitress.

“Oh, yes. That’s perfect. Over medium is just the words I was looking for. And some sausage. Thank you.” A few minutes of meaningless chatter until the food came and then when it was set before her and the waitress walked away the wife said: “Oh, I wonder why she used that bread? I didn’t want that kind of bread. I thought she could tell by my asking about the bread that I didn’t want this kind of bread. And how come I get this kind of sausage and not fat sausages like you have? Excuse me, but why didn’t I get fat sausages like his?”

“Well, he asked for the fat sausages. We have fat sausage and just regular.”

“Oh, I had no idea. You know they have these fat sausages just like this at Beaumont Hospital and they’re really good. I thought you could tell that’s what I wanted.”

“Do you want me to get you the other kind?”

“No, I’ll just eat these, thank you. Now I’ll eat my French toast and eggs”, she said. “Can I trade you a piece of this sausage for one of your fat sausages?” she asked Honey, who quietly complied. “Mmmm, this is really good sausage. Were you supposed to get gravy with the biscuits?”

“No, I didn’t want gravy,” he said. For the rest of the meal they pretty much just chewed and read the paper in silence with only a few outbursts, thank god.

“Bus Issue Settled in Walled Lake” she announced to Honey, reading the headline. “You know that bus line thing, it looks like they settled it.”

“Oh?”

“Yes”. Upon leaving she made a big show of the tip: “Oh, and here’s the tip. I’ll go back and leave the waitress her tip,” she said while Honey paid the bill.

I gave up trying to read half way through breakfast, closed the book and just ate my corned beef hash and eggs quietly, wishing silently that I would be lucky enough to never see either of them again. Indigestion plagued me for the rest of that Saturday.

That was over a month ago, and so far so good...