almost okay

My Dear Lyzako,

The holiday season is upon us again it seems, ushered in by Thanksgiving, my personal favorite of the holiday lot... no evil, useless gifts required, just rampant overeating, imbibing and napping while televised sporting events play softly in the background and our arteries slowly fill with goo. I'm thinking that if there is a heaven, it must be a lot like that. Only without the gooey arteries, of course.

As I watched the news last night they were predicting lower retail sales this season, a continued soft market for new homes, rising oil prices and overall gloom in terms of the economy. I saw several so called 'analysts' making these dire predictions and serving up numbers to back their observations, but at the end of each report they signed off with their name and a hearty smile, as though they'd just read the menu for our upcoming Thanksgiving feast. I say 'hearty smile', but it was really more of a shit-eating grin.

There were middle-aged, overweight men in gray suits knowledgeably proclaiming that Americans 'have no money' to spend on gifts this year, thanks in large part to rising fuel prices and inflation (which our friends in the White House have learned to measure differently in order to soften the idea and make themselves look better). Higher oil prices mean higher costs to transport food which translates logically to higher bills at the grocery store. I heard that this year's holiday meals will cost an average of 11% more than last year. With diesel fuel at $3.55 per gallon I'm not surprised.

In addition to the inflation you can factor in a record number of foreclosures as the real estate market adjusts and the loss of domestic manufacturing jobs forces more and more people into the unemployment lines. But the message from the media and our President remains clear and unwavering: Our economy is strong and growing, and we should bolster it by going out and buying a bunch of crap that nobody really needs (and do it in the name of Jesus, for Christ's sake!) to shore up the retail industry, which depends on holiday spending for 50% of its annual revenue. I saw one report recently that claimed a percentage of Americans actually had so little spendable cash that they put their Christmas purchases on equity lines of credit tied to their homes. And a huge percent of those left carry credit card debt and add to it annually during the holiday season, all the while making minimum payments on the balance and effectively paying three to five times what the purchases are worth over the life of the loan. If that isn't insanity, I don't know what is.

Is that tie that Dad's going to wear once and put away really all that important? Or how about that Play Station 3? Wouldn't the kids be better off if they'd never invented fucking video games? You want to get rid of childhood obesity? Get rid of those fucking games! No cable television! No television at all! Fuck all that shit!

I'm sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, Thanksgiving....

There's something about Thanksgiving, though... the lazy, long weekend highlighted by an early Thursday dinner of roast turkey, stuffing (cornbread, oyster or traditional sage - they're all great comfort foods), cranberries, maybe some green beans or creamed corn, mashed potatoes (more starch!), giblet gravy, yams, pumpkin pie for dessert (still warm with a scoop of vanilla ice cream gently melting over the top). And the closest thing to a video game I ever experience is watching the Lions lose again as I slowly put away the better part of a twelve-pack of Blue.

Of course, while the men are loosening their belts and watching football after Thanksgiving dinner, all over America housewives are scheming about where to get the best deals on 'Black Friday', what time to set the alarm in order to get there in plenty of time before all the good stuff is gone. Believe it or not, many retailers now even stay open late on Thanksgiving night for those same insane shoppers' convenience. Let's not forget that thanks to the Almighty Internet, you can now add 'Cyber Monday', the kickoff to the online shopping season, to our idiotic national holiday spending spree.

Personally, I want no part of it. I plan to think of nothing but my own selfish need for relaxation this long weekend. 'Black Friday' and 'Cyber Monday' will gently pass with yours truly buying nothing. In fact, I vow to purchase not a single gift this entire season, and call for a national boycott of all holiday spending (other than for food). Please people, no more second mortgages and credit card debt. Spend nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

My suggestions for season's greetings? How about 'Bah-fucking-humbug!' or 'Oh! No Ho Ho Ho!', and a loud 'Santa Claus isn't real!' for all the kiddies.

Better yet, I think I'll practice just a simple: 'Leave me alone, I'm trying to sleep until next year.'

Go Away World You Bother Me,
Scrooge Sherman

PS: Just in case you decide to take part in the shopping madness, I'm still a thirty-three waist, thirty inseam, forty-four short jacket, a large sweater (I'm allergic to wool) and a 17-35 dress shirt. Oh, and I could use a new pair of slippers, size ten or men's medium.