almost okay

Say, did you happen to see that 'Phenomenon' show last night? You know, the one where NBC is letting the viewing audience pick the next great mentalist? (By the way, isn't it just a matter of time before some cable show picks the next great porn star? Hey, I'd watch that if I had cable.)

Just in case you missed it, the 'Phenomenon' format goes like this:

A series of competitors do mind tricks with the aid of three celebrity guests (And they reeeaally stretch the definition of celebrity on this one, folks - last week that gay guy Ross from the 'Tonight Show' was one of them!) in front of a live audience and a two-man panel of judges made up of washed up psychic Uri Geller and obnoxious magician Criss Angel. (Am I the only one who wants to slap this guy? Enough with the rings already!) The acts are introduced and dismissed from the show by a British host who woodenly fumbles through his routine like a mannequin-sized Ken doll.

As it turns out, a 'mentalist' is just a magician who specializes in pretending to have 'psychic' powers, and some of the contestants are fairly entertaining. Last week's show was almost unwatchable, clocking in at an excrutiatingly lengthy two hours in honor of Halloween, but last night's one-hour format was pretty doable for the average couch potato.

The saving grace of the whole mess is that there's a single female contestant, a 20-year old beauty queen from Cleveland named Angela Funovitz, who makes all the dull stuff worthwhile. The camera loves her. The audience loves her. I love her. And Uri Geller, who's old enough to be her grandfather, practically pisses his pants every time she performs. Plus she's pretty good at that magic crap. I felt a little sorry for her last night, though. All three of the celebrity helpers were Hef's girlfriends, and Angela selected the stupidest one of the bunch (not an easy task in and of itself!) to aid with her trick. Even though the trick was a good one, you could tell that the Playboy chick wasn't used to being the second prettiest girl on stage and she almost fucked the whole thing up with her nervous, jealous, attention-demanding nonsense. Angela stuck with it, god bless her, made some fire and held a torch against the bare skin of her thigh, the flames seductively licking her youthful flesh until the dumb bunny's dad's name appeared etched into Angela's skin as she flexed and posed, her delicious leg on display. Afterwards, Uri could be seen frantically squeezing the bulb on his penis pump.

In another segment all three of the bunnies shot paintball guns at one of the contestants, the location of the strikes supposedly predicted earlier by the guy using his 'psychic' powers and sealed inside a glass box. The predictions were perfect, of course, but the real story could be seen when each of the heartless bitches aimed the guns. The guns were equipped with a laser sight and do you know that every single one of these whores took careful aim on this guy's privates? Every one of them. Try as they might, though, the paintballs always missed. One of the bitches actually complained that the sight was 'off'. Eventually, each girl settled on aiming higher and striking lower in order to move it all along. But I could tell that the chick who almost fucked up Angela's routine was very disappointed she couldn't tag this guy in the nuts.

The only real moment of suspense was supplied by another contestant who reached into an urn and got bit by a snake before finding the necklace he was actually going for. It would probably have been better if he'd been bitten by one of the deadly snakes and died right there on the stage.

At the end of it all, the host urges us to vote for our favorite contestant, and get this... you can clock ten votes each via telephone and via Internet.

But the question I have is this: If all of the contestants are 'psychic', wouldn't somebody already know who the winner will be? In fact, all of them should know, shouldn't they? I mean, some of the guys last night seemed downright disappointed when they got the news that they didn't make it through to the next round.

Dammit man, you call yourself a psychic?!