almost okay

Dear Lyzako,

It seems we won't have to dream of a white Christmas here in Michigan after all. The reality of it has struck overnight, a formidable weather-producer dropping six inches of the fluffy stuff so far, with totals to climb during the course of the day. At least it's Sunday and I feel no pressure to leave the house, having run all my necessary errands yesterday - which amounted to a trip to Ferndalia Foods for staples and a case of Blue, followed by a quick run through Video Shmideo to stock up on porn and rent 'Planet Terror' uncut on DVD with bonus disc.

The snow started yesterday in the early evening and has come down steadily ever since, transforming the barren brown landscape I spoke of in my previous missive into a spectacularly sterile-looking display of virginal winter whiteness. Even the sky is white, not a speck of blue to be seen as the dense snow clouds continue to bestow their Christmas gift upon us.

Of course, the reality of having to shovel that gift out of the driveway, clear it from the sidewalk and rake five feet of it from the edges of the roof to prevent icing looms in my immediate future as well. In preparation for the task, I've parked my Ranger down near the sidewalk, so that if need be, I only have to clear ten feet or so to get myself on the road. Provided they even make a swipe down my street with a plow today, which remains to be seen at this point, just five minutes before noon.

The best part of this whole snow phenomenon (at least as it pertains to my delicate nervous system) is the ability of the stuff to muffle annoying sounds, specifically my idiot neighbor's bitch-dog-from-hell's near-constant yapping when she's put outside to do her business. This morning I witnessed and digitally photographed the poor little bitch pug yapyapyapping outside their storm door to get in, while alternately lifting each paw in the air to avoid painful contact with the snow. All in twenty-degree temperatures with a wind-chill factor in the teens, I might add. Their drive hadn't yet been cleared, and the six inches of snow stifled the pooch's ability to move around, her stubby legs being barely five inches long themselves. She stumbled in small circles around a nugget of pug poop the size of an acorn for at least fifteen minutes before the hag-whore-neighbor-bitch decided to let her in.

Speaking of annoying noises, it won't be long now before the neighborhood is awash in the painful buzz and hum of multiple snowblowers running in harmony, burning fossil fuel, preventing heart attacks and saving lives all over the city. Saving lives for what? To burn more fossil fuel? At times I wish I had one of the damned things myself to be sure, could just push it along as the snow flies to the side, whistling all the while I suppose. But most times I prefer the sound of my breathing and the scrape of the shovel along concrete as I work.

Just moments ago my doorbell rang. I answered the door in robe and slippers, unshaved and unshowered.

“Would you like to have your snow cleared?” asked the man on the porch.

“No, thanks,” I said. “I'm going to do it later myself.”

By the way, should I succumb to a heart attack during the course of the task this afternoon, clutch my chest and fall backwards dying, I plan on smiling at the sky with my last breath here on earth while using every bit of strength I have left in me to wave my arms and legs, tracing one final Sherman Angel in the Bing Crosby White Christmas Snow.

The first task on my to-do list today, though, is to turn my turkey carcass from Thanksgiving into soup. I ask you: What better way to spend my snowed-in Sunday than with a pot of soup bubbling away atop the stove?

Sherman's Famous Turkey Carcass Soup

Fill stock pot halfway with water and add:

-One roasted turkey carcass (or similar-sized roasted animal carcass of your choice, e.g. small dog, large cat, raccoon or opossum), minus wishbone
-One-half large onion, rough chopped, skin and all
-One large carrot, unpeeled and cut in quarters
-One and one-half ribs celery with tops
-One fistful of fresh flat parsley
-Two dried bay leaves
-Half teaspoon of whole black peppercorns
-Salt to taste

Bring water to boil, reduce to simmer and cover, cooking for two hours. Allow to cool.

Strain stock and separate turkey meat from the bones

Bring stock back up to boil and add:

-One large onion, diced
-One large carrot, peeled and diced
-One and one-half ribs celery, trimmed and diced
-One bay leaf

Adjust seasoning as necessary and simmer, covered, until carrots are tender
Return turkey meat to pot
Bring stock to boil and add:

-Six ounces of your favorite egg noodles (I prefer Mrs. Weiss' Kluski), cover and remove from heat until noodles are cooked al dente

Finish with another fistful of fresh parsley, chopped fine

Bon Appetit!

Regards,
Emeril Sherman

PS: I'm saving the wishbone for your Christmas visit, so give it some thought. I already have a wish, but it jinxes it if I tell you. Without getting specific, I can say this: It involves Pam Grier, time travel and a brand-new liver.