almost okay

Just last night I was talking to friend about the differences between watching porn in the comfort of your own home these days versus having to go to an adult theater or stag party. It just isn't the same experience at all. The only X-rated feature I ever attended in public was 'Emanuelle', way back in the late seventies, but I'm old enough to have experienced the classic stag party, complete with keg beer in plastic cups, cold cuts tray, and of course, the aptly named 'stag film'.

There were men of all age groups, from teens to their seventies, gleefully chomping cigars, drinking and telling dirty jokes while the most technically proficient member of the group toiled at the projector to feed the film through and onto the take-up reel. Once they'd killed the lights, the grainy B&W 8mm print flickered to life. Since it was a silent film with subtitles, the only sounds were the raucous laughter of the men and the clicking of the projector as the film traveled from reel to reel. The air was thick with acrid blue smoke that swirled in a cloud before the screen as the title faded up: 'The Door-To-Door Vacuum Cleaner Salesman'. It starred John Holmes in the title role, ran for one scene, the plot involving simple seduction and get-right-at-it sex.

After the scantily-clad housewife had persuaded Holmes to whip out his mammoth dong, one of the old geezers in the room yelled: “Better tie a spoon on it!”, which brought guffaws all around. I'm still not sure what the phrase meant, but Holmes got by without the spoon and ten minutes later the lights came on and I was sitting there beer-buzzed, aroused and surrounded by men. Whoever had done the scheduling might have made the moment less uncomfortable by hiring a live stripper, but we had to make do with sports conversation, sandwiches and back slaps to the groom.

I suppose some folks actually collected stag reels, watching them in the comfort of their home, masturbating alone or using them as foreplay with a spouse, but by and large the experience was shared in an acceptable setting such as the aforementioned stag party. The lights had to be dimmed, and the soundtrack was often just the sound of your own breathing accompanied by the noise of the projector. The process by way the image came alive on the screen was a big part of the experience, required setup and packing away to the closet once the movie was over and life mundanely returned to normal.

Not so nowadays, of course. A wide variety of porn is easily accessible through most local video stores or online (Boo to Blockbuster!), so you can pick up your favorite fetish at the strip mall while running errands without having to travel into the seedier parts of town. If you do indeed feel adventurous, a seedy trip to an all-adult title store will reward you tenfold in terms of variety and selection.

I often shop for this stuff in unexpected places. Used book stores, pawn shops and flea markets are all good venues to turn up cheap and unusual titles, and your best bet for finding vintage stuff like the two VHS tapes featured here. I picked up 'Bimbo Cheerleaders From Outer Space' at a resale shop in my hometown while visiting the folks at Thankgiving and 'Load Warriors' was purchased used from a regular corner video store in Hamtramck some twelve years ago.

Filmed in 1988, 'Load' stars Angel Kelly, Gail Force and Sharon Mitchell (a better actress than Sharon Stone, I might add) and is a sexual spoof of the Mad Max movie 'Road Warriors' (1981). But in this movie, instead of gasoline, the precious and rare fluid is semen, which the girls take turns milking from a couple of studs in a variety of ways. A bit too artsy in direction for my taste, the last half of the film is marred by clumsy back and forth cutting between Angel's big scene and an orgy among the remaining cast members. It was popular enough to shoot a sequel, 'Load Warriors 2'.
'Bimbo Cheerleaders' is from a couple of years later and combines just the right amount of silliness, spoof, non-plot and fun sex to be a classic. It stars Tracey Adams, Cherie Hill and a very young-looking Nina DePonca (listed as Vera Butler) as space traveling cheerleaders sent on a mission to spread joy and sex across the galaxy. The sets are paper walls with magic marker graphics and the sci-fi jargon is borrowed from the original 'Star Trek' television series (Nina's character is named 'Screwlu') and the movie 'Star Wars' (1977). The actors crack each other up delivering the stupid lines, but eventually get down to some very hot sex scenes, culminating in an orgy involving the entire cast.Classic cover art adds to the vintage feel of these two tapes and they pair nicely as a double feature the next time you're horny and too hungover to drink more beer. Pretty much like I am every Saturday night.

And the good news is, you can watch in the comfort of your own home (with all the lights on if you want), start and stop the action at the touch of a button, a large box of tissues and a tube of lube at the ready, with only the slight inconvenience of having to get up and change tapes between features.

Now that's what I call almost livin'!