almost okay

So here's the deal: Red Sox slugger and newly-crowned World Series champ Manny Ramirez has a pair of 'used Spandex shorts' from the 2007 season up for auction on Ebay. According to the item description they 'show great game use', and come with a certificate of authenticity.

My question is...Who the fuck would want them?

Seriously, folks, I can barely stand to touch my own used undies and I know exactly what's been going on inside them, piss, poop and spooge-wise. Who knows how often Manny washes his balls? Maybe he's superstitious and it's like, I don't know, only after two losses in a row or some dumb shit like that. Athletes are freaks when it comes to that kind of stuff. Look at his goddamn batting helmet. That should tell you something, shouldn't it?

I guess you can't really blame Ramirez for the auction, though. I hear he's an asshole, but I don't know that for a fact. Unfortunately, somebody's picture has to go on the target up there and I couldn't just Google 'the idiot who's selling Manny Ramirez's shorts' and get an image. Almost as much of an ass is the guy who's willing to fork over $142.50 (the high bid at the time of this writing) plus eight bucks shipping to get his hands on them, not to mention whoever else has taken part in the thirty-four bids to date. Ultimately, though, I have to place the blame on Manny. I mean, nobody gets a hold of my underwear without me knowing about it unless I accidentally leave a pair in the washer at the laundromat. No, Manny had to know what was going on and at the very least, not care about it.

I'm also a little confused by the claim that they show 'great game use'. What the fuck does that even mean? Are there grass stains on them or something? Maybe some pine tar from when he tugs on his nuts between pitches? How in the fuck does underwear show any kind of game use other than sweat stains? Can somebody out there help me out on this?

So you win the auction and a week later UPS brings a little cardboard package to your doorstep with the 'goodies' inside. What do you do with them once you have them? Frame them? What kind of homo would put a pair of male underwear on display in his den or game room? Huh? And please don't tell me that the high bidder will be a woman. Face it guys, no woman is that dumb. No, it's a man doing the bidding alright.

And I'm willing to bet that whoever he is, he gives them a thorough sniffing.
Coincidentally, today's Craig's List Girl Sunshyne also offers used underwear for sale, and I have to tell you that her prices ($25-$40) seem a lot more reasonable than Manny's. Sunshyne has a variety of styles to choose from and will even sell you her used tampons and sneakers if you are so inclined. Look for her on the Phoenix page and tell her 'Sherman sent you' to get 20% off your first order!