almost okay

You all know what it means when you see the retro TV with Pam's jugs on it up there. I've been watching television again. And I have to tell you that I pretty much took two days off from it, never even flicked the evil box on to see what the weather was going to be like until last Saturday night. Honestly, it felt pretty damn good on my bleary, world-weary eyes.

But nine inches of snow fell over the weekend and it all but shut down the city, so I stayed indoors, turned on the tube, checked the constant ongoing weather updates while watching some video...

I finally broke down and rented 'Planet Terror', the Robert Rodriguez half of Tarantino's 'Grindhouse' double feature, and I must say that seeing it with fresh eyes led me to like it much more than I did on the first two viewings at the theater. Unlike the expanded version of 'Death Proof', which includes two entirely new scenes, the 'Planet Terror' DVD only adds bits and pieces here and there, so it's pretty much the exact same flick it was in the movie houses, but still well worth checking out.

In case you're unfamiliar with the movie, it's the story of a pair of twin babysitters who find themselves getting into all kinds of trouble. Played by Rodriguez' own Venezuelan nieces Elise and Electra Avellan, the girls paint each other's toenails, curse like sailors on shore leave, bash cars, shoot zombies, fly a helicopter and wind up on a beach in sunny Mexico living the high life.

You'll also find enough brain-eating zombies, exploding cars and half-naked strippers to make this modern-day take on the exploitation flick a must see. Not to mention notable supporting performances from a talented array of actors and actresses including Rose McGowan, Bruce Willis, Tom Savini, Josh Brolin, Freddie Rodriguez, Marley Shelton, Naveen Andrews, Fergie, Michael Biehn and Jeff Fahey. Tarantino is unforgettable as an incredibly bad guy in the second half of the movie, too. The disc also includes the fake trailer for 'Machete', a classic in its own right, which features Cheech Marin and the incomparable Danny Trejo in the title role as the Mexican you shouldn't have fucked with. I developed a whole new appreciation for the score, too, which was written and largely performed by the talented Mr. Rodriquez himself. Recommended.

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I also picked up some porn and I have to tell you folks, this shit is getting worse by the day. They have a four for $10 special where I rent my movies, which at the time always seems like a good deal, but the reality is at least two of them will be unwatchable. And that was the case last weekend. I'm afraid to even mention names, but you sick freaks will find them if you want to see them no matter what, so here goes...

The worst of the bunch was supposed to be about Middle Eastern hookers, which I picked up just out of curiosity. The poor women, who purportedly came from various places in the region including Egypt and Pakistan, were subjected to humiliating treatment by a sick bunch of young American men armed with a video camera.

For whatever reason, the interpreter and the girls spoke to each other in Spanish, and all the girls claimed during the interview process (an embarrassing requisite these days, I'm afraid) to be married and have kids, saying they were there for the money, which they of course called 'dinero'. Dressed like Barbara Eden in 'I Dream of Jeannie', the girls each gamely put up with the Americans' shit, including having words written on their foreheads with magic marker just before the money shot.

I cannot stress this enough: DO NOT RENT OR BUY THIS GARBAGE!

Another one that was horrible but looked good on the box, was 'Happy Fucking Birthday'. It featured some aging male porn stars who, according to the setup, are given two to three girls as sexual 'gifts' on their birthdays. The only scene I was able to make it through involved three girls - two beautiful ones and one ugly one with a huge fake rack, all three of them grossly overly-enthusiastic, using fingers, dildos and drooling tongues on the guy's genitalia and anus until I thought I was going to vomit. And the ugly bitch never shut up for one second. He eventually managed to pork them all with the cameraman right up his ass the entire time. It was disgusting, and believe me, I'm not easily disgusted.

The most watchable of the bunch was a 'P.O.V. Pervert' double disc, one scene featuring the lovely and talented Tyra Moore. For the most part the women were all very good looking, and the disgusting shit was minimal (although all the newer porn seems to require a certain amount of sick stuff). The best thing about it was that you never see the disgusting guy's face, and everything is shot from his point of view, which makes it much easier to fantasize that you are actually with these women. As an added bonus, you also never see his hairy ass, which believe me was a relief after watching that first scene in the 'Happy Birthday' DVD.

Disc number four was okay, but no great shakes. At least I didn't have to turn my head. I don't even remember what it was called, but the girls were cute and the guys fairly well-behaved.

So to recap... 'Planet Terror'... EXCELLENT!, 'Arab Hookers'... COMPLETELY FOUL, 'Happy Fucking Birthday'... DISGUSTING, 'P.O.V. Pervert'... GOOD ENOUGH TO WATCH PARTS TWICE.

Oh and, the 'four for $10' adult movie special...NOT REALLY ALL THAT GOOD OF AN IDEA.