almost okay

I think I get it now. Bear with me while I try to explain this...

Ever since the Bush Administration decided that putting 'two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles and onions on a sesame seed bun' was tantamount to working the line at Chrysler, the Big Three have been in trouble. Here in Michigan, the automotive industry is our bread and butter, and its rapid decline over the past eight years, during which time the White House practically ignored our plight altogether, prompted state legislators to try and get in on this Presidential Primary thing from the outset this year. They figured it would force the candidates to pay attention to us.

Late last year legislators here in Michigan decided to move our primary election to January 15 reasoning that it would give our citizens a bigger say in who next gets to warm his/her lazy ass on that plush leather chair in the oval office. A good idea, but it happens to violate the Democratic National Committee's nominating 'rules', which specifically forbid any states other than Iowa, New Hampshire, Nevada and South Carolina from holding nominating contests prior to February 5.

The issue went back and forth in the courts here before the state's predominantly Republican-appointed Supreme Court decided to overturn a lower court's ruling to stop the election. One of the key points of contention was the fact that individual voters will have to decide between a Republican or a Democratic ballot. Their selection will then be linked to their names and the information will be made available to both parties, but not to the public, which raises questions about 'public funds' being laid out for 'private use'.

After swiftly redefining the terms 'private' and 'public', the Michigan Supreme Court kept the January 15 primary on the calendar, and the Democratic National Committee responded by deciding to keep all of the Michigan delegates from attending the National Convention as punishment. The Republicans decided to exclude half of their delegates. However, Convention rules allow nominees to petition for reinstatement of the delegates. Confusing? You bet your ass it is.

What it all boils down to is this: The only front-runner on the Democratic side that will appear on the ballot is Hillary. Barack Obama and Edwards both withdrew their names in order to avoid violating the 'party rules'. Since the Republicans don't give two shits about rules anyway, we'll have our choice of all of their front-runners, from 'Dimwit' Mitt to 'Tarantula Brain' McCain.

The only way we can show support for either Edwards or Obama in this stinking Primary is to vote 'uncommitted'. We can't even write in a name or the ballot will be voided. Democrats here are urging us to go the 'uncommitted' route because if Mr. Uncommitted garners 15% of the vote, then they will be forced to send that many delegates who can then cast nominating votes for somebody other than Hillary, provided that the delegates are even reinstated.

Cynical folks are telling us to forget about the 'uncommitted' vote and cast a Republican ballot for McCain, who they perceive as the most Democratic of the Republican bunch.

Now I ask you: Is this way too fucking complicated or WHAT? Is it any wonder kids flunk Government in High School?

Imagine you are African American and living in the city of Detroit (which has pretty much been flushed down the toilet by the Republican Party ever since its racial mix became overwhelmingly black) and you see Barack Obama running for President. He inspires you. Maybe it's your first election, this Michigan Primary, and you can't even vote for him because of this muddled mix-up mess of a show the Democrats have put on here. Can you even imagine how distressing and incomprehensible that is? Other than a fucking politician, who can understand these arbitrary and illogical goddamn rules?

Why on fucking earth should we have to wade through all of this ridiculous red tape in order to cast a vote for somebody who we think should be our next President - Republican, Democrat or otherwise?

Sadly, because of all this the Democrats didn't even bother to show up here in Michigan to campaign. The Republicans, however, made high-profile appearances at the North American International Auto Show yesterday, which ironically also takes place this week at Cobo Hall in downtown Detroit.

Oh well. I guess I'll go vote now. I know the smart thing for me to do is vote for McCain, even though I don't want him to be the next President. But shit, I hate the idea of Romney being in there even more. It sure takes the starch out of it to vote for Mr. Uncommitted, though.

Hey, I know. Since I'm pretty much wasting my time and tossing a vote away anyway, I think I'll write in Harry Sphincter and give one of those old crones who counts the ballots a laugh.

Whew. Since I was so overly verbose in this week's column, I think I'll just say: Here's Princess. She's from Chicago. STUPENDOUS BOOTY!