almost okay

Hey, is it any wonder I fall back to watching porn on television? We all know that even with cable, the programming choices suck: you have a half-dozen so called 'news programs' going at any given time (Who wants to be reminded of how fucked up the world is during prime time? Not me!), three or four sports channels (a lot of women's basketball this time of year, folks), a movie channel or two (When I had cable I saw 'Bullitt' eight times in six months!) and a lot of reality television on top of that, with what used to be music video channels like MTV, BET and VH1 ramming even more stupid people doing stupid things down our throats.

Reality? I'll show you reality! Reality is watching analogue, over-the-air broadcasts with rabbit ears in my basement! Either that, or shoving in a tape. Now I could always watch an actual movie. I certainly understand that. But movies run on average nearly two hours long and sometimes my ass just won't take that much sitting still. That's where porn comes in. No matter how good it is, you can only get through about twenty to thirty minutes before busting a nut. Then it's off to something else.

The choices I was offered by the major networks at nine o'clock last night? The horrible machinations of 'Dance War: Bruno vs Carrie Ann' (ABC), an embarrassingly ridiculous new show called 'My Dad's Better Than Your Dad' (NBC), 'The Sarah Connors Chronicles' (FOX) and a rerun of 'Two And A Half Men' (CBS). The CW was showing 'Pussycat Dolls Presents: Girlicious' (which scares me a little because those goddamn Pussycat Dolls might just decide to 'present' something else after that) and 'Paradise Hotel 2' was on MyTV (I didn't even know there was a 'Paradise Hotel 1'!).

I have to admit that Carrie Ann and the Pussycat Dolls were watchable for brief moments, but since the shows both revolve around marginally talented, self-centered adolescents, it's difficult for me to relate to if I don't use the mute button. I'm sure that 'Terminator' thing on FOX is probably better than average fare, but I just wasn't into sitting there for a whole hour, knowing that if I hadn't seen the previous episode it would take forty minutes to figure out what was going on. And as far as 'My Dad...' goes... well, let's just say that if you've seen one safety-helmeted six-year-old hanging from a rope while being slammed into a giant Velcro target by his overzealous father, you've seen them all.

Since I'd already seen the episode of 'Two And A Half Men', I popped in a recently purchased used tape of 'Island Girls' and settled back with a fresh can of Blue and a full box of Kleenex.

'Island Girls' dates from the early nineties and features one of my favorite adult stars, the one and only Nina DePonca (uncredited and not shown on the box). Even though the exotic and beautiful Kascha is doing the selling here (that's her photo on the front), Nina actually gets more screen time, turning in a torrid girl-on-girl performance early on, then getting completely reamed on the beach, sand up her ass and all. The story revolves around a group of community college students on spring break in Hawaii, the girls all scheming to win a wet tee-shirt contest, which of course involves screwing a contest judge or two. The whole thing ends with a wild dance on the beach to live music being performed by some old pony-tailed guy playing a weirdly wonderful electric bass and his partner bashing on a drum kit. The girls grind around, some wearing grass skirts and Kascha ends up being named the winner of the contest, even though none of them are wearing tee shirts and there is absolutely no water involved!

Speaking of girl-on-girl scenes, a couple more of my most recent finds also prominently feature some hot lesbian action, 'Sista 14' showing nothing but chicks digging each other. 'Sista' was made this century (2002) and stars veteran porn actress India along with newcomers Kiwi, Bronze and the lovely and talented Nicole Le. Part of a long and successful series of all-girl features, the story this time is about a lesbian brothel, where the working girls and customers alike get into all sorts of trouble. You won't see much in the way of believable acting, but inventive use of vibrators, strap-ons and lots and lots of tongue make this one a must see, especially if you're into beautiful dark-skinned women.

'Sorority Pink' (1989) is kind of a girl's porno take on 'Animal House' and stars mostly women, from Angel Kelly (another personal fave of mine) to Sharon Kane (who actually sings the theme song!) to the ageless and tight Nina Hartley. Barbara Dare, Megan Leigh, Keisha, Porche Lynn, Bionca, Chrissie Snow and Jeanna Fine round out the top ten, but there are a few more young beauties tossed in for full effect. Surprisingly well acted (Sharon Kane is mostly believable as an English Lit professor who famously flashes her beaver to the class), the story, while predictable, moves along nicely, the horny girls doing each other at the drop of a hat whenever the mood strikes them. As an added bonus, there's a trailer for the next installment 'Sorority Pink 2', which features a twelve-girl lesbian orgy. There are also previews of two more coming attractions, including a documentary behind the scenes look at the making of an adult film, including interviews of stars from the era.

By the time I had 'finished' (watching) 'Island Girls' it was pushing ten, so I pulled up my pants, and headed upstairs for bed. I'd had enough television for one day.

Sweet dreams came late and lucky me!

I dreamed of reaming Carrie Ann on the beach in Hawaii, sand up her ass and all!