almost okay

Another crazy week, eh? Between record-breaking oil prices and those fools running the government, is it any wonder that NASCAR drivers shoot junk? Is it really any wonder that I seek refuge in my basement with my precious porn? Beating the heck out of Lil Marty sure beats the heck out of being in the real world these days.

As promised, a couple of quick reviews of some recent items purchased from the 'Mature' section of Ebay...

First off, Angel Kelly stars in 'Black Voodoo', an integrated sex romp from 1987. The fact that the mailman delivered this gem on my birthday last week may have something to do with the fact that I loved it, but I'm sure it will stand up to a second viewing (as will Lil Marty, if you know what I mean).

Angel plays a white-turbaned fortune teller in this one (I think they called it 'Black Voodoo' because 'Black Palm Reader' didn't sound all that sexy), and it also stars first-timer Marisa Betancourt, who steals the show as the oversexed, leggy chick with a commitment problem (and a delicious overbite) who seeks out Angel's advice. She and Angel fondle and fuck a bunch of folks before winding up in bed together (of course!).

There are some great scenes at a small town carnival, where Marisa and her new guy ride the ferris wheel as a bunch of kids run by in the foreground. The use of real carnies (along with using an actual camera with film in it) gives this one a touch of authenticity. The story's enough to keep you interested between fuck scenes. Recommended.

Next up is 'Open House', which stars another of my favorites, Nina DePonca. I think this one's from 1989, but it's hard to tell because the fool who sold it to me just sent the tape, not even a generic cardboard sleeve for it. 'Whaaat?' you ask. 'No original box art, Marty?' What can I say? I'm slipping.

Anyway, besides Nina you'll see a few regulars from the era, including veteran porn star Sharon Mitchell, who's not as easy on the eyes as some of the other girls, but sure knows how to coax Mr. Load out of his hiding place, if you catch my drift.

The acting is awful, the script a waste of time and paper, and the direction (which often cuts back and forth between two sex scenes) is lackluster at best. At one point, sweet young Nina (this had to be one of her first movies) can be seen in close-up, the cue card held right in front of her face off camera as she painfully delivers each line. The goddamn card is so close it practically casts a shadow on the poor girl. You can see her eyes rolling back and forth as she mechanically and phonetically sounds out the individual words. Thank god she knows how to fuck.

It's funny because I recognized the house they used for location in this one from it having been used in a couple dozen other tapes I've seen. It must have been owned by one of the porn directors or something. I experienced severe deja vu when Nina got drilled on that open staircase, the steps covered in brown shag carpeting that at the time probably had enough different DNA samples in it to keep Matlock up to his neck in surprise witnesses for the next twenty years.

In the final scene, Nina gets it on in the bathroom, pushed into the corner against the grungy tile and dirty grout, eventually finishing the guy off with her patented 'two-fisted twister', this time delicately performed with chipped crimson nail polish, no fake tips, French or otherwise. I can only recommend this one if, like me, you're a fan of Nina's, but be forewarned: she doesn't show until the movie's half over. She's in every scene after that, though, and it's definitely worth the wait.

Hey, I know this is running long, but what else do you have to do, Mr. Fucking Important? Where you gotta be all of a sudden? Wall Street? It's raining here. I worked hard all goddamn week. It's Saturday morning and I'm gonna write. Who really gives a shit anyway? Did any of you spineless cretins out there have the guts to delete this blog when I gave you the chance? No. No, you didn't, so now you can just live with that decision or go to the next fucking blog.

What you should do is spend a little time with the links over there on the right. The ones that I've lovingly slaved over for months and months, carefully hand-selecting each as a prime source of Internet entertainment. Just for Y-O-U. Go ahead! Go click on something! Go on! Get outta here! Good riddance, ya bums!

Now, for the PIECE DE RESISTANCE! This third item is a brand-spanking new DVD that I also purchased on Ebay's 'Mature' page. I thought I got a good deal on the movie itself, which I gladly shelled out nine bucks for, but the shipping costs took the total over fifteen. Once I'd put it in the machine, though, and that mechanism whirred a preview onto the screen, I realized it had been money well spent.

Desiree West was one of the more famous porn stars from the seventies, and the first major black adult actress, appearing in dozens of films including 'Spirit of Seventy-Sex', the classic 'The Joy of Letting Go' and Alex de Rezny's 'Femmes de Sade' and 'The Pleasure Seekers'.

Sometimes credited as 'Patricia Lee', West had a screen presence and gift for performing that doesn't exist in today's porn industry. The camera loved her and the guys ate her up. She returned the favor, of course, expertly, repeatedly and with mucho gusto.

'Double D Soul Sister' is a current release of Desiree's best scenes compiled by Alpha Blue Archives, and it held me spellbound for... well, I didn't last long that first time, but it held me spellbound this morning for, um... well, I guess spellbound isn't exactly the right word. Shit, it's hard to stay spellbound when Lil Marty's standing at attention.

Simply put, Desiree West is the most mouth-wateringly beautiful woman who ever walked on the planet (sorry Pam), and watching this compilation actually proved to me once and for all that everything really was better in the seventies, including the porn.

You technology freaks shouldn't expect high def from this one, though, even if it is a DVD. The sometimes grainy footage has been salvaged from abused and rapidly deteriorating grindhouse projection reels, and it lends itself to the vintage feel of the clips themselves.

Desiree does it in every possible position, with men, with women... with men AND women... just oral... simple masturbation... black on black... oreo sandwich... double blumpkin... Nah, I'm just kidding with that last one. She's a sweet girl.

And the production value on all the clips here is incredible, even compared just to 'Black Voodoo' and 'Open House', which were made a mere decade later. In the seventies they used cameras and natural lighting a lot. The directors really thought they were making movies, and some of them made some fine ones, movies that stand up in terms of artistic merit as much as anything Scorcese ever directed. Except for 'King of Comedy' maybe. That one was fucking great.

Back then the directors weren't so enamored with having to constantly show the penetration, either. Not like they are now, anyway, even if it means we have to stare up the guy's hairy asshole while his testicles bounce and he humps away. They thought it was much more artful and erotic to sometimes simply just show the girl's face or her heaving breasts as she writhed in the throes of passion. And they were right.

Desiree could writhe with the best of them, by the way. And she really knew how to strip. Slow and easy, with a warm smile aimed right at me...ahem.

Nowadays when you rent an adult DVD all you get is a sequence of sadistic sex scenes that seem to last forever, the spotlights causing pale skin to glow, each scene ending with the obligatory, ubiquitous and not-always-welcome 'facial'. To top it off, the whole mess is usually shot from a camera attached to the horse-dicked dude's head.


Why, half the perverts in the movies today can't even get their nut like a real man. They actually have to pull out of some absolutely gorgeous babe (I've seen this!) and jack it themselves until I'm getting cramps just watching before they can shoot. 'Hell, I was in the room by myself and I've managed three times already, you homo!'

So run out and get this one. You won't be sorry. The extras also feature actual vintage trailers from some of Desiree's best films from back in the day! Enjoy!

I said 'Enjoy!' Hey, anybody out there? No?

Oh, well...