almost okay

There are good movies and there are bad movies. We can all agree on that, and you'd think the definitions would automatically exclude one that had all the earmarks of a bad one from also being placed in the good category, but in the case of 'Paradise', you would be wrong, sir. Dead wrong. Don't misunderstand me. This stinker is no 'Gone With The Wind' by any means (or 'Gidget Goes To Rome' for that matter), but it is a movie with some good qualities, most notably the frequently shown naked body of a very young Miss Phoebe Cates.

'Paradise' separates itself from 'Gone With The Wind' in a number of key areas. Acting, directing and believability of the plot immediately leap to mind, as does the soundtrack, which plays like a ninety-minute Silly Symphony. I expected Porky to pop up at the end and go: “Th-thuh-thuh-th-th-thuh-that's All, Folks!” Instead, we get to hear Phoebe sing the sappy title song over the closing credits. You know what? Her singing was about on par with her acting.

I imagined her singing topless. It helped.

Just to show you how bad the rest of the cast is, Phoebe's the shining star here. Even Doc, the masturbating chimp comes off like Olivier compared to Willie Aames, the former child star of the TV series 'Eight Is Enough', who hams it up at every opportunity as Cates' costar and half-naked love interest.

Set in the middle east during the Victorian era, the plot involves two teens coming of age after a series of unfortunate events throws them together and on the run in the desert, fleeing an evil slave-trader who has already killed Cates' guardians and Aames' parents in a bloody attempt to grab Phoebe for his own personal harem.

Aames' manages to get past the horror and shock of witnessing the murders of both Mom and Dad surprisingly quickly by spying on a naked showering Cates, who's body glistens like a flesh-and-blood bomb pop ready to be licked.

Just as they're about to die, the pair stumbles across a completely uninhabited oasis on the ocean's edge (their 'paradise') where they decide to set up shop, and before you know it, the handy Aames has built them an entire compound out of palm fronds and branches a la 'Gilligan's Island'.

It is here that they meet their new best buddy, a devilish and clever chimp upon whom they bestow the moniker of 'Doc', in honor of Phoebe's recently-slaughtered guardian. They also get threatened by the bad guys, swim naked, and once they've figured out how the parts fit together, hump like bunnies until Cates gets knocked up.

'Paradise' came out in 1982, the same year that Phoebe famously showed her perfect perky boobs in the cult classic 'Fast Times At Ridgemont High', and just in time for Aames' career to sink like a cannon ball in quicksand after his 'Eight Is Enough' days. Aames' performance here even earned him a Worst Actor Nomination at that year's Golden Raspberry Awards.

By the way, Phoebe Cates is now forty-five and still looks fantastic.

I've read reviews that claim 'Paradise' is one of the worst movies ever made. Trust me on this one, folks, I've seen most of the worst movies ever made, and this one doesn't even come close. You can't ignore the nudity factor, the graphic violence and the 'R' rating that makes 'Paradise' a flawed but entertaining piece of film.

It kind of felt like I was watching a dirty Disney movie, whatever that is.

Speaking of dirty movies, I have a couple of vintage VHS tapes on the way that I snagged off the little known 'mature' section of Ebay... 'Black Voodoo' starring Angel Kelly and a rare, out-of-print copy of 'Open House' from 1989, featuring Nina DePonca. I can't wait! I'll fill you in on both of them as soon as they arrive.

Um, you better make that an hour after they arrive. Don't worry, I'll fast forward through the slow parts.