almost okay

I went for a walk this morning.

The sun was shining, the birds were chirping and the dogs were barking. Big fuckers, too, with deep voices that trotted behind privacy fences and followed me down the sidewalk.

I gave up counting the houses I passed that were for sale after the number reached forty. Not because I ran out of fingers, toes and moles, either, but because it began to depress me. On some blocks nearly every other house had a real estate sign drilled into the front lawn and who knows how many more are just sitting there in a state of foreclosure with no sign, like the one right next door to me.

It really hampered my ability to enjoy the fresh spring air.

I just hope those fuckers in the mortgage business who made money hand-over-fist over the past decade writing ridiculous loans in order to get poor saps into houses they couldn't otherwise afford because of an artificially inflated real estate market are in the same situation.

No, check that. I hope they're dead.

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My normal Friday hangover this morning was multiplied tenfold by the fact that I sat for three hours watching the Pistons beat the Celtics last night in a cramped bar filled with cigarette smoke. The foul air took my breath at times in spite of the fact that the manager opened windows in the front of the place to let in some breathable oxygen. It clogged my sinuses, robbed me of appetite and left me with a crushing headache when I woke up.

When in the fuck is Michigan going to get on board with this public smoking ban? Political pundits say the casino and restaurant lobby is too powerful (which means they have enough money to buy key votes from greedy local politicians). Some worry (mostly the owners of bars, restaurants and casinos) that it could inflict even more damage on an already decimated local economy.

Currently a bill that bans smoking from bars and restaurants (although not casinos) has passed the House, but there's still some opposition (from greedy politicians taking money from the owners of bars, restaurants and casinos, of course) and it could die in the Senate.

Ironically, as I passed a gas station on my morning walk, my head still throbbing from pressure created by the smoke-swollen tissue inside, I noticed a sign in the window that read: NEW LOWER PRICES ON CIGARETTES. Regular was $4.09. Compared to that, a five dollar pack of smokes doesn't seem all that expensive.

Not unless it's fucking KILLING you.

One asshole sitting at the bar last night lit fag after fag and basically just held them up next to his head while he drank, the insidiously poisonous plumes seeking out tender pink lung tissue. Like mine.

I hope he's dead this morning, too.

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On a related topic... The whole reason for me having to go to a public place to watch the game last night was the fact that I refuse to pay for cable (or any other television service) and the games are no longer available on broadcast television after the first round of the playoffs.

I guess we're lucky here in Detroit to see as many Pistons games for free as we do, because as I understand it, many NBA markets are pay-only airings. But if you're a Redwings fan, it's another story. Unless you can get the Windsor CBC affiliate on Channel 9, all regular-season games (except for a handful of late-season broadcasts on NBC) are pay-only broadcasts either on the FOX Sports Network or VS and you must subscribe to something in order to watch them. Even then, not all local cable packages carry VS, which has become the home of national NHL broadcasts.

If I'm not mistaken, many of these sports arenas today are built with the aid of either direct or indirect local public funding, often in the form of long-term tax abatements. Shouldn't that same local public be able to see the games with no more technology than fucking rabbit ears?

I'm telling you, when they figure out how to charge us for air, they will. I'll bet somebody's already working on that.

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Speaking of local television, there's a hot topic of gossip in these parts that I want to share with you...

I look at the Tracksy numbers every day and I see what you people come to the site to check out (and yes, I know it's not Misc. Rants and Raves).

When Almost Okay pops up on Google, the number one search is for... TA DAAAAH! You guessed it. Porn. You know, something like 'nina deponca + shaved'. I think we're in the top ten on that one.

But number two on the list of your perversion-driven search engine inquiries is folks wanting to know whether or not our two local news anchor babes Rhonda Walker and Fanchon Stinger are getting divorced. I have the answer, but you have to keep this one under your collective hats.

Promise? Okay, here goes...

A local media insider told me that not only are they BOTH getting divorces, but they are in fact LUSTY LIPSTICK LESBIANS who plan on leaving their current jobs to partner in their own news website, co-anchoring taped daily world news broadcasts completely in the NUDE while they KISS each other's LUSCIOUS LIPS, LICK each other's FLAWLESS BROWN SKIN and nibble each other's PERFECT, ERECT NIPPLES!

And they're gonna get Ama Daetz to do the weather!