almost okay

It was brought to my attention recently that this column never actually 'raves' about anything. “It's supposed to be rants AND raves,” one reader wrote. “Don't you like anything?” The simple answer to that would be 'not really'.

After checking the definition of 'rave' at Mirriam-Webster's Online Dictionary, I understood her point, though. In the context of 'ranting and raving' it is implied that the 'rants' are lengthy tirades from a negative point of view, and conversely the 'raves' are usually boisterously enthusiastic positive opinions about something, as in 'I rave about the beauty of Pam Grier'.

However, depending on the usage of the word, 'rave' can also mean 'to talk irrationally in or as if in delirium', which isn't altogether wrong as it pertains to the content of this column. You've read a few. I do rave.

Anyway, long story short, I've decided to rename the column in the spirit of keeping things simple. I think you'll agree that BITCH BITCH BITCH is more in line with my personality, but I reserve the right to occasionally spew forth enthusiastic praise whenever I deem it appropriate.

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Now that the Olympics are drawing to a close I have a few things to get off my chest...

I'm sick and tired of nicknames for the USA basketball team. You know what I'm talking about: 'The Real Dream Team'...'The Redeem Team'... Who cares? The Olympic basketball finals have turned into the American NBA All Stars versus the Spanish NBA All Stars. And if we send our best starting five, we will win EVERY SINGLE TIME!

Nation against nation? Christ! Pau Gasol and Kobe Bryant are frigging teammates during the rest of the year and one of the best guys on the Russian team is J.R. Holden! He's from Pittsburgh, people! Pittsburgh, PA, USA!

And even though the USA women's basketball team has run the table for four straight Olympics, they should stop comparing themselves to the men. A good high school men's team could beat the best women's team in the world! It's not even the same sport! That being said, I have to say that Candace Parker is a hottie and I'd root for her even if I was watching her compete in a potato chip eating contest.

Talk about fun to watch, when did beach volleyball become an Olympic sport? I'm not gonna lie, I like the bouncing up and down and the near nakedness of the women, but come on! Beach volleyball is about as much of a sport as mud wrestling is! Say, that's not a bad idea. Olympic mud wrestling... it has a nice ring to it.

You know I watched a lot of the swimming and I must say that the so-called 'expert' commentators completely ruined each and every race I saw, especially the relay race where the US passed the French in that miraculous finish. The dumb bastard that was supposed to be the 'expert' opined non-stop about how the French were unbeatable and he just couldn't see the United States winning. Right up until they won, that is. I almost turned the channel just from listening to his constant negativity.

And the commercials... Shit! During one heat of the women's 800 meter freestyle they went to an ad break right in the middle of the race! Damn! The race itself was barely eight minutes long! You mean to tell me they can't go eight minutes without showing a goddamn car commercial?

No more synchronized diving! Diving one at a time is plenty! Who came up with this? A bunch of gay guys who wanted to see two young lithe male bodies twisting in unison during endless slow motion replays of each and every dive, that's who. And it has to stop.

Speaking of stopping... Stop counting the medals! The Chinese have declared themselves 'winners' because as of this writing they have an insurmountable lead in gold medals. Who gives a shit? They have the most populated country in the world, which means they should have a pretty good crop of athletes to select from, especially since they've started growing them to genetic perfection from the time they were unfertilized eggs! Plus, everybody knows that the total medal count is the true measure of which country 'wins' this thing, and it looks like the good ol' US of A has that pretty much sewn up. Again.

Finally, in a world faced with global warming and constantly shrinking resources, why in the hell do we have to move this thing around every four years and erect billions of dollars worth of fancy arenas that will ultimately end up being underutilized and eventually torn down? Let's do the Summer games in Athens every single time. They can move the Winter Olympics around to wherever they have snow.

And I don't mean in Dubai, where those idiots have built an indoor ski resort right in the middle of the Arabian Desert!

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Oh, and I almost forgot... Kudos to MSNBC for selecting the hotter than hot Tamron Hall to host their Olympic updates from New York. Since I don't have cable myself I've been forced to watch her at my local sports bar on the big screen with the sound off. Last night she was wearing this low-cut red dress and her smiling cleavage kept Li'l Marty at attention even after four tall Blue!

Check out Tamron crossing her beautiful legs on YouTube and you'll see exactly what I mean!