almost okay

Most of you out there probably don't even know who our 'Ass' is this week, even after looking at her photo. Well, allow me to enlighten you. She's Monica Conyers, wife of Congressman John Conyers and a member of the hilariously dysfunctional Detroit City Council. Believe me though, had you been staying at the Magnolia Hotel in Denver during the Democratic National Convention this past week, you'd damn well know who she is because she would have damn well made sure you knew.

According to police reports, Mrs. Conyers was upset with her accommodations and threw a very public fit in the hotel lobby. Expecting a suite instead of a room for four with two beds (so that she and her husband could sleep in one room while their teenage sons masturbated in another), Conyers actually called the cops herself, protesting to them that the lone Denver police officer assigned to the hotel for security during the Convention was 'rude'.

Eventually the staff was able to make Queen Conyers comfortable, but the funny part of the whole incident is this: she has denied that any of it ever even happened, claiming to be asleep in her room at the time of the disturbance, despite the fact that police records show a call to them from her very own cell phone.

I'm not sure what kind of coverage this story got on a national level, but it was all over the radio and television for the past three days here in Motown. And, along with the ongoing scandal surrounding Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, it was absolutely the last thing beleaguered Detroiters needed to hear. We thought we'd managed to avoid the national spotlight when that judge ordered Kwame to stay in town and remain electronically tethered because of his recent probation violations.

Did I mention that Conyers is also under investigation by the FBI for allegedly taking bribes in exchange for voting to award city contracts, and that an indictment is almost certainly forthcoming? To make matters worse, she's also in line to become City Council President if current President Ken Cockrel Jr. has to take over the Mayor's office once Kilpatrick is forced off the throne.

Is it any wonder that Barack Obama is a little worried about coming to Michigan, a state which he desperately needs if he has any hope (audacious or otherwise) of beating John McCain in November? How's this for a photo op?... the first African-American presidential nominee from a major political party standing between Mayor Kwame and Councilwoman Conyers on the stage at Hart Plaza for this weekend's Jazz Festival!

The Republican election machine would have a freaking field day with that one.

Speaking of the Jazz Festival, there's another great lineup this year. I'm planning on attending a couple of days, Saturday's highlights being an afternoon performance by bassist/vocalist Esperanza Spalding, a set by legendary sax player Sonny Fortune and Lalah Hathaway on the Main Stage to close the evening.

Let's see, that's five hours at two 12 oz. beers per hour... ten beers at $7.50 each... of course you have to buy tickets so I'll probably go home with a few but I'll figure $75.00 just to make the math easy. Add in another $15 for snacks and miscellaneous and for just under a hundred bucks, the whole show is free!

One last thing about Conyers... Don't look directly in her eyes for too long or you risk turning into stone.

Today's Craig's List girl is a hometown favorite here in Detroit. Rose is available for early meetings, lunch quickies and full evenings on the town. Her services are for 'companionship' only and any other arrangements that may be agreed upon will be between consenting adults. And get this, she accepts all major credit cards and has a few girlfriends she can call if you're up for more than one at a time. By the way, that's not a tan line; she's wearing a pale flesh-colored bikini.