Remember when we used to celebrate Christmas between Thanksgiving and the ACTUAL HOLIDAY ITSELF?Yesterday while I was eating my lunch I switched on Channel 7's Noon News, mostly just to see what Carolyn Clifford was wearing. Well, she was looking pretty fantastic in a powder blue pant suit, as you can see for yourself, and I got lucky enough to catch her doing a quick interview promotion with the Radio City Rockettes, who were in town to plug - ta DAAAAAHHH!!... their Christmas show at the Joe Louis Arena! Yesterday was September the frigging 11th! NINE-ELEVEN!
Shit, they haven't even really started pushing the plastic Chinese Halloween crap yet!
And once they do get going, the Halloween promos will get shoved down our throats for a good five weeks before October 31st, so that by the time it actually gets here I'll be so sick of the idea that I'll hide in the basement again with all the freaking lights off just counting the minutes until it's over!
They don't even put the good monster movies on broadcast television anymore. You have to have CABLE or a SATELLITE DISH. Whatever happened to Karloff's 'Frankenstein' and Lugosi's 'Dracula'? Two of the creepiest movies of all time! Oh, and the 'Wolf Man'! Lon Chaney, Jr.! MOTHERFUCKING GREAT! Maria Ouspenskaya as the gypsy! Now THAT'S what I call ACTING!It seems as though each year the holiday seasons grow longer and longer in an effort to get us to spend more and more money on useless garbage and gifts nobody really wants. Halloween has become the second biggest retail event next to Christmas in the United States and they expect us to start decorating and planning for it NOW. RIGHT NOW!
Christ, when I was a kid we improvised a costume on Halloween afternoon, grabbed a pillowcase and made the rounds. That's it. The next day, sick with a sugar-buzz hangover, we took our skinny asses back to school and forgot about the whole thing. We didn't even BEGIN to think about Christmas until two weeks after Thanksgiving.
Now? The Rockettes are in town right after Labor Day to make sure we all get our tickets to the freaking Christmas show!
I'm not really complaining. Carolyn stepped up like a trouper and high-kicked with the girls for a couple of minutes while I finished my lunch, mouth agape, my shorts getting tighter with each turn and kick. By the time Carolyn's dancing lesson was over, my pants were around my ankles and I was spent.Don't forget: There's just ONE-HUNDRED-AND-FIVE SHOPPING DAYS left until Christmas!
A Pet Rock is at the top of my list and if I get it, I'm gonna throw it right through the motherfucking window at Nieman Marcus!
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