almost okay

Hey, folks! Welcome to another fucking Monday morning!

Here in Detroit it's overcast with drizzle and temps in the fifties. A beautiful October day!

Once again, I'd like to share a couple of letters from our readers and encourage the rest of you out there to write as the urge strikes you. Jokes! I could use some jokes!

First off, from Anonymous: “What's up with all the political bullshit lately? And why the bleeding-heart liberal point of view? Republicans aren't evil and George W. Bush didn't cause all these bank collapses. Bill Clinton signed the deregulation bill way back in 1999 that allowed banks to merge with insurance companies and other financial institutions. Shouldn't he be held responsible? I suppose you voted for him, too, didn't you? You fag!”

I'd like to point out that the bill to which you refer, Anonymous, called the Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act, was proposed by Republicans and forced through the Republican-controlled Senate and House with such overwhelming numbers that Bill Clinton had no choice but to sign it. This 'veto-proof' law was aimed ostensibly at increasing competition, but the resulting corporate mergers (along with relaxed lending laws) have been cited by some economists as contributing to the current sub-prime lending crisis. I'm no economist, Anonymous, and I certainly wouldn't blame George W. for all of our problems. In my view, simple greed was the main engine that fueled this economic collapse. Rampant, irresponsible speculation by real estate developers (including short-sighted investors and large construction companies eager for juicy contracts) who hoped to double and triple their money in less time than it takes to say 'interest only loan' was the real culprit. Why do you suppose John McCain has more homes than he can count? Because he wants to live in more places than he can count?

The conservatives point to organizations such as ACORN for relaxing their mortgage approval criteria in order to get minorities into homes of their own, but the reality is that those loans, however unsound, account for a relatively small segment of the real estate market and for the most part involve homes of relatively low value compared to all the 'bigfoot' homes built in recent years under new construction and the unfinished high-rises that stand along the shore of the Atlantic Ocean in Miami. Greed is caused by the people who have money wanting more of it, not by some poor bastard who's just barely getting by.

There is ample evidence along the way that politicians, Democrats and Republicans alike, have benefited personally from campaign contributions and easy loans from our large lending institutions, which is another good reason for us to stop the lobbying of outside interests in Washington. The math is simple: the bigger the corporation, the bigger the campaign contribution.

And yes, I voted for Bill Clinton. Twice. Also, for the record, I do think that Republicans are evil.

From one of our female readers, pearlygirl09: “I am completely tired of 'Spooged'! Why must you continue this disgusting feature? Do you hate women that much? What are you, a fag?”

Hmm, I sense some hostility from you, pearlygirl09. Do you hate men? I suppose it's difficult for me to defend the 'Spooged' feature, but I'll give it a shot.

Number One: It's easy. That's right, in case you couldn't tell by reading my frequent confessions on the subject, I am one lazy bastard. 'Spooged', on average, takes less than ten minutes to do, and when my back is up against the daily deadline wall, that's a pretty appealing number.

Number Two: It's a parody of all those 'celebrity fakes' you see on the Internet. You know what I'm talking about... like where some geeky, introverted Photoshop whiz takes Jennifer Aniston's clothes off by using software to slickly fuse her head onto some anonymous naked female body, while rubbing one out with his free hand the entire time.

Number Three: It gives me a chance to recognize the female form in all its beauty (and ugliness sometimes), acknowledge favorites of mine from long ago (check out the 'Retro Spooged') as well as the present day, while cleverly poking fun at the whole 'celebrity' phenomenon.

Number Four: There are actual physical laws governing any semi-gelatinous liquid that spills openly onto anything. In the case of 'Spooged' one must take into account not only the trajectory of the spill, but gravity and the various complex curves and planes that together make up the solid human form in all its god-given glory. It's a matter of physics, pearlygirl09, which makes it educational. That's right. I said it. It's educational.

Well, I hope that both of those explanations were satisfactory, and that the rest of you out there with questions or comments (or especially jokes) will get off your hands and write me at: coolhandmarty@gmail.com.

Oh, and by the way, I'm not a fag.