almost okay

MISCELLANEOUS RANTS AND RAVES

Take Two And Call Me In The Morning

Levitra... Adderall... Lipitor... Crestor... Elavil... Proventil... Tisenox... Every one of these words are underscored in red as I type this because this software doesn't even recognize them as words. You know why? Because they're not words. They're fabricated, silly names for drugs that are supposed to enhance and prolong our lives. But guess what, folks? It's all a frigging scam perpetrated on us by the pharmaceutical companies in collusion with the medical community. Why do you think the doctor gives you your first 'taste' for free? He makes it sound like he's doing you a favor because he has all these samples laying around. “Here,” he says, “Take these and let me know if it helps.”

It sounds a lot like a fucking heroin dealer to me.

The one that really cracks me up is Lamisil, the pill they push as a cure for toenail fungus. You know, so you can go to the beach and not be embarrassed by your ugly, crusty feet. “Be sure to tell your doctor if you have liver problems,” the ad says. All the ads say that by the way. Well, don't you think that your doctor should check for liver problems before he gives you this shit? And if it damages your liver, wouldn't you be far and away better off to just live with your ugly, fungus toes?

Now Viagra, that's another story. I can certainly understand the benefits of that. The biggest disclaimer I hear in their ads is “See your doctor if you experience an erection that lasts more than four hours.” I'm wondering what's so magical about the four hours. If it's painful, wouldn't that max out after four? Is it testicle pain? If it is, how much more blue can balls get? And what's the doctor gonna do when you call him up at midnight and tell him your boner won't go down? Lance it? Hit it with a freaking hammer?

I think I'd rather just put the thing to good use, even if I had to screw a hole in the mud after I've worn out the old lady.

BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ, RING RING RING

And did you hear this one? I just recently found out that cell phones may be to blame for the declining honey bee population. You know, the insects that make sure things grow by the process of pollination. Everything from cucumbers to cranberries and all sorts of crops and foliage in between depend on the little critters and now, because you have to be able to call and remind your husband to pick up Tampons while he's at the grocery store, from anywhere in the country no matter where the fuck you are, bees are dying by the bazillions.

It seems that the signals emanating from the evil devices confuse the insects and they can't find their way back to the hive. We need to wake up people. How many more things can we fuck up on this planet in the name of Holy Capitalism and the cause of Almighty Technology before we realize that Mother Nature is one complicated and delicate balance of forces that furnishes us with the means to survive? Do I really need to be able to sit in my basement, inside a brick house with glass block windows and get a good enough signal to talk to San Fransisco every goddamn time I'm lonely? Convenient, yes, but not really necessary in the grand scheme of things. Especially if it involves wiping out an entire species that we depend on for food. I mean, what the fuck?!

Hold on, I have an incoming...

Goodnight Max, Wherever You Are

On a more serious note, innovative jazz drummer Max Roach died last week in Manhattan at age 83. Long revered by music lovers and musicians alike for his pioneering approach to percussion, Roach was one of the last of the legendary jazz giants to have given birth to Be-Bop and fashioned the sounds that came after it - a stellar group that included Charlie Parker, Dizzy Gillespie, Miles Davis and Thelonious Monk.

Roach could solo like no other drummer before him, embracing the avant-garde and leading unusually configured groups of musicians that combined strings and traditional jazz instrumentation. He even recorded pieces made up entirely of percussion. His collaboration with singer Abbey Lincoln (who he later married) on his LP 'We Insist! Freedom Now Suite' in 1960 is a classic not only for its innovative combination of voice and drum, but also for its contribution to the Civil Rights movement of the time.

It happens to be a damn good listen, too. You'll get goosebumps on top of your goosebumps. I did.