The following is an excerpt from a recent interview between Marty Sherman and deceased author Prof. Dirk Beat:Marty Sherman: You look good, man, twenty years younger.
Prof. Dirk Beat: Thanks. One of the cool things about being in Heaven is that our appearance is based on what we looked like at our best. George Burns still looks like he's sixty.
MS: I've been surprised that so few of the poems you've written since you died were about Heaven. Why is that?
PDB: Hey, if I really told everybody how nice it is here, people would be jumping off the Golden Gate and leaping from the Empire State faster than EMS could scrape them off the sidewalk. Hmm... 'Golden Gate'... 'Empire State'... There's gotta be a poem in there somewhere...
MS: Which brings up another point. Isn't suicide considered a mortal sin?
PDB: I'm glad you mentioned that. No, it's a common misconception. Dead is dead.
MS: Interesting. So I suppose you've heard the book has sold well.
PDB: Yeah, and that guy who got stabbed in L.A. died. He's up here already! Hey, before I forget, I've got some good news and some bad news.
MS: What's the good news?
PDB: I'm coming back to life! No shit! God's selected me for a miraculous resurrection that has nothing to do with Judgment Day, just a little proof to everybody that he's still got his 'chops'.
MS: The bad news?
PDB: I'll be back Easter Sunday and since I won't have a place of my own, I was hoping I could bunk with you until I find something.
MS: I guess that'll be okay. If you don't mind my asking, how did God pick you out of all the dead people in the history of the world?
PDB: It was kind of a complicated process, but it has something to do with relevance and name recognition. To tell the truth, I didn't really understand it myself. What it boils down to is this... He picked a bunch of us and we had a Texas Hold 'Em tournament. I was in the finals with Marie Antoinette, Einstein, John Lee Hooker and Leonardo da Vinci.
MS: You beat Einstein and da Vinci at poker?
PDB: Einstein was good at counting cards and figuring the odds, but he couldn't bluff to save his ass. Besides, I got some real friendly deals. What can I say? I'm lucky, I guess.
MS: Is it true about the liquor stores there?
PDB: Yes! It's incredible! You can get anything you want. And you can drink as much as you want and you only get a really mellow maintenance buzz. With no hangover! It's kind of like that stuff they drink on 'Star Trek' in the future.
MS: Synthahol?
PDB: Yeah, that's the stuff. I'm flying right now!
MS: So you'll be here on Sunday?
PDB: Sometime in the afternoon, your time. I was hoping we could have lamb for dinner.
MS: I'll see what I can do.
PDB: Yeah, man. A nice rack of lamb sounds good.
Just Past Noon (Tomorrow & Tomorrow & Tomorrow)
The hangover dreams impossible nightmares of
No drinking while at once shrewdly angling
For the next bar stool, thinking 'I need a drink'
It does, indeed
& indeed
I do
Dream
-Prof. Dirk Beat
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