almost okay

I poured a cup of coffee and pulled out a legal pad. What would my 'perfect woman' be like? I asked myself. Would she be black? Would she be white? What about Japanese?... As the caffeine slowly took effect, I made a list of attributes, hastily printed on the yellow pad in blue ball point chicken scratch.

1. SHE HAD TO BE BEAUTIFUL

2. SHE HAD TO MOVE IN BED, AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT (If she just laid there I might just as well have stayed with my wife.)

3. NO TALKING

After nearly an hour of thinking about it, that's pretty much all I could come up with. I didn't care if my woman cooked (I love to cook myself and am perfectly capable in that department) or cleaned (I haven't so much as swept the floor in nearly a decade). And as long as she wasn't eating or spending my money, I didn't give a crap whether she worked or not. No, all my 'perfect woman' would have to do is sit there, look pretty and keep her yap shut. That was it.

When I got to the Real Doll site, I noticed they had made a list of their own as a sales tool. Hmmm, I thought as I read along, Let's see...'Elastic -flesh can withstand 300% elongation...' That didn't seem like it would be useful unless I decided to toss her on a torture rack, but okay... 'Heat Resistant... over 300 degrees...' I like that. I might want to put a cigarette out on her or something. 'Water Resistant...Stain Resistant...' Good, good. Ah, here we go. 'Durable' and 'Lifelike'...Nice... 'Odorless, Flavorless, Flexible, Pleasurable, Safe...nontoxic...' All very good. 'Convenient, Relaxing...provides stress-free companionship'...Now THAT's what I'm talking about! And lastly, it was 'Affordable -cheaper than most alternatives', it said.

Whatever it cost, I was sure that would be true.

I could barely contain myself when I started shopping. There were a number of body styles, lots of different faces. Shoot I could even get one with changeable mugs so if I got tired of 'Suzy' I could turn her into 'Bambi' in a matter of seconds! All kinds of wigs. Wait a sec...It said that wigs ranged from $500 to $1000! Shit, I thought I could get the whole doll for that!

I did a little math, raced through the site and put together my doll and it all added up to well over three grand and I hadn't even ordered the body yet! Affordable?! Were these guys kidding?! Shit, if I had that kind of dough, I'd move to Thailand and buy a fifteen-year-old!

I went through the options and found that I didn't need any of them. I could get my own freaking wig for a lot less than a grand, and I didn't see any faces that really did that much for me, either. In the appearance department I had something more like Beyonce in mind, or maybe Jessica Alba (when she was barely twenty, of course), and I saw nothing remotely like either of them.

Hmmm... That's it! Suddenly it dawned on me that my ideal woman would actually be more than one woman! I mean, pecan pie is my all time favorite, but I can't imagine going the rest of my life without a slice of key lime or two.

I went back to the basic bodies and put in an order for the one who's boobs and flesh most closely resembled Beyonce's, then I went to check out. Bingo! Just like I thought. I could actually buy two basic bodies for less than a completely decked out one!

I had been planning to do a fair amount of customizing anyway, I might just as well roll up my sleeves, get out the tools and do the damn thing right.

I backtracked to the body types again, picked out one like Jessica's and added it to my cart. Five minutes later I had a confirming email with a ship date of one week and a Paypal bill that I wasn't sure I'd be able to pay.



Next time: Much, much, MUCH easier said than done...