almost okay

I know I've been doing a lot of complaining lately, but the world has been pretty shitty to Ol' Sherman the past couple of months and it's tough to let things go. I can't even get any relief at Happy Hour anymore because of all the assholes that flock to the bar after work. You know the kind. The ones who have no concept of simple barroom etiquette.

You can't save a barstool for a friend who's going to show up in a fucking HOUR, dimwits!

So as a public service, today I'm offering a few simple rules for newbies to follow while imbibing at their local watering holes...

Rule Number One: Always defer to age. When you see an old man drinking in a bar, don't treat him like he's old. Treat him like he's just one of the guys and don't laugh at him no matter how much hair is growing out of his ears. If he talks to you, listen carefully. You just might learn something. If he ignores you completely when you try to strike up a conversation, leave him alone. He's probably hung over.

Rule Number Two: Always defer to regulars. These are the people who go to the same bar or bars on a regular, sometimes daily basis. If an old man is a regular and you find yourself sitting on his favorite stool when he comes in, get up and let the guy sit. He's probably hung over.

Rule Number Three: You cannot save your seat at the bar unless you leave one or more of the following at the bar: your drink, your money, your car keys or your cell phone. Hanging a jacket on the back of the chair while you run around with your drink in your hand hitting on the girls won't do it.

Rule Number Four: You cannot save a seat next to you at the bar under ANY circumstances. Barstools are made for temporary seating and if you are saving the only available opening at the bar for a date that has yet to show up, that seat is to be used by the next thirsty customer who wants to sit. You cannot save a seat next to you by leaving the items mentioned in Rule Number Three, and you cannot buy a drink for the empty stool. Even if the bar you're in is the only place in the world where you can watch the Stanley Cup Finals.

Rule Number Five: Do not drum on the bar top with any of the following: knuckles, palms, pocket change, cell phones or beer bottles. This ALWAYS annoys the regulars, especially the older ones. I don't care if you're able to play 'Wipe-Out' in perfect time with the jukebox. Do not do it.

Rule Number Six: Avoid passing out. Avoid vomiting. It seems like a pretty obvious thing, but remember: bartenders are not obligated to cut you off when you get too drunk unless you start to annoy them. They will gladly pour you drink after drink as long as you are tipping and keeping your hands to yourself. My advice is to get out enough cash for no more than six drinks and pay for them one at a time. When your money is gone, it's more than likely well past time to go. And as a bonus, that dwindling pile of bills on the bar will also help keep your seat while you empty your bladder for the fourth time. If the money's gone when you come back and the bartender didn't take it thinking it was a tip, then you should probably do your drinking somewhere else.

Everybody will tell you no discussions of politics or religion are allowed, but I've never found that to be true. In fact, some of the best conversations I've ever had at the bar were spirited debates pertaining to Presidential elections and the Almighty Wrath of Allah.

So that's pretty much it. Think you can handle it? Good.

Now, if you see me sitting at a bar and drinking all by myself, what are you going to do? That's right! Leave me alone!

I'll probably be hung over.