almost okay

Well, finally! A precious minute to myself.

First off: How the hell are you all? Good, good. Glad to hear it. Me? Oh, I'll get by. Between long days of meaningless work and the inevitable Happy Hours that follow, I've been pretty busy lately. So you have to forgive me for not writing much.

I haven't even had the time to get all the 'Spooge' out of my system.

But seriously... I know most of you don't even bother to read this drivel that I type out here. Since my Tracksy account went into limbo I've been using good old Google Analytics to track my visitors and the overwhelming majority of you are still hunting for porn links. Good luck with that. You'll find a few good ones on the right over there, including one of my favorites, The Vintage Erotica Forum.

And I never realized until recently how obsessed some of you are with news anchorwomen. We have some hot ones in the Detroit area (as I'm sure you must have in other parts of the country) and there seems to be an endless fascination with their marital status. Wake up, guys. Even if Fanchon Stinger is getting a divorce, I doubt she'd rebound by jumping right into the arms of a middle-aged man who's been essentially stalking her via the Internet.

I thought you might find them funny, though, so here are a few recent news anchor-related keyword searches:

ama daetz reporter... ama daetz youtube... ama daetz/nude... carmen harlan divorce... carmen harlan free nude pics... "carolyn clifford" news anchor fight... "fanchon stinger" "carolyn clifford" fight... "fanchon stinger" "married to"... "fanchon stinger" "trainer"... "fanchon stinger"+divorced,... fanchon stinger i choose ama daetz glenda lewis carolyn clifford... fanchon stinger in trouble... fanchon stinger nude... and my favorite... how tall is ama daetz.

Does it really fucking matter how tall Ama is? Are you trying to figure out if the lingerie you bought for your inflatable love doll will fit her? And, listen, Carmen Harlan is an attractive woman. No doubt about that. Why, on one memorable broadcast I saw, she was wearing a low-cut black leather top and I have to admit to getting a little swollen in the lap department myself. But come on, people. She's got to be pushing sixty. Do you really want to see her 'nude'?

The naked celebrity and porn searches are funny, too:

"brown boobs"... k.d. aubert buttcrack... lela rochon buttcrack... unfastened zipper down lesbian (What?)... arcieri leila sexy feet and toes... and the piece de resistance... "mr. president" "oval office" "hard cock"!

Oh, sure, I still get a few folks looking for legitimate information on people like Gil Scott-Heron, Yma Sumac and Dianna Rigg, but it seems the vast majority of readers are looking to see them either naked or dressed in latex.

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Yesterday I was watching the big screen at Happy Hour - sports news on ESPN25 or some shit like that. During the commercial breaks they repeatedly showed a 30-second spot for Quizno's that featured an old Chinese woman eating a five dollar bill. She's working at a laundromat and the bill is taped to the wall like maybe it's the first money she ever made when she opened the joint up. Suddenly, she just peels Old Abe off the wall and stuffs him into her mouth while a disclaimer appears across the bottom of the screen: “Dramatization. Do not attempt.”

What? Is it gonna kill you to eat some fucking paper? And isn't the fact that she's Chinese and working the counter at a laundromat somewhat racially stereotypical? What's next? A black guy who's a pimp eating five dollars' worth of extra large condoms?

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Say, I was just reading through this again before I post it; you know... checking for spelling glitches and grammatical errors. Well, when I reread the part about Carmen Harlan wearing that black leather top... I'm almost embarrassed to say it, but I chubbed up again. So if you do happen to stumble across some 'free nude pics' of Carmen (even just nip slips or buttcrack), please send me a link at: coolhandmarty@gmail.com. Please.

I guess it turns out I wouldn't mind taking a gander at her naked body after all.