almost okay

I think I'm finally getting back to normal, folks.

That election took a lot out of me, you know? And after the election, all this bullshit with the stock market and the auto companies going bankrupt... well, it's enough to kill anyone's sense of humor. I can't even look at my IRA anymore. And if I hear one more so-called 'news report' that is predicting a dire retail season for Christmas this year, I think I'm gonna scream. Hey! It's not news until it's happened! You can report about your horrible sales AFTER Christmas is over!

I firmly believe that a huge part of what's wrong with all of this crap - the stock market, the auto companies, and on and on - is our instant access to information coupled with so-called 'expert' commentators telling us what things are going to be like NEXT quarter. And with a half-dozen twenty-four hour news channels like CNN and MSNBC repeating the 'news' over and over and over (not to mention all the completely-biased talk radio shows that are constantly tweaking our fears) it's no wonder we panic when the shit starts to hit the fan.

Well, I'm ready. Let the fucking shit fly, for crying out loud! I can't take it any more!

* * * * * * * * * * *

Tell me this: when did they start welding the goddamned tops onto the shampoo bottles? Huh? Used to be I could unscrew the cap and run some water into the bottle to make sure I'd used all the precious soap inside before dutifully tossing it into the recycling bin. No more! I sprained my wrist the other day trying to get the top off the last nearly-empty bottle I had and I never got all the shampoo out! Why on earth would they do that?! Who decides these things? The Republicans?

I tried to picture myself in the meeting at the shampoo company where some genius says: “Hey, why don't we just make it so the top doesn't come off? That way, people will have a tough time using up all the shampoo and we can force them to buy another bottle since they can't get those last two washes out of what's left inside?”

“Why, that's a stupendous idea, Goodman, my good man! It will add pennies to our bottom line and frustrate the bejeezus out of the old folks at the same time! I think this calls for a promotion. How does Regional Vice-President of Tom-Foolery sound to you?”

Personally, I've just about decided to stop washing my hair altogether.

Remember, these are the same evil shampoo people who came up with 'Lather, rinse, repeat' thinking we were dumb enough to wash our hair TWICE every time we took a shower.

* * * * * * * * * * *

I was up until two o'clock last night cleaning my room. I think I've finally got to the point after my failed marriage where I can get back into the dating scene, so I wanted my bedroom to be nice, just in case I can convince some poor woman to come home and 'do' me.

After I had swept up four year's worth of dust (I swear the vacuum bag felt like it was a pound heavier when I was done), I carefully organized my porn magazines by category and date, placing them in cardboard boxes instead of the haphazard stacks that had been sitting on the floor along one wall next to the bed. That way, should whoever the lucky girl be want to get right to the classic, older porn, she'll be able to find it more easily because now it's in its very own box which is cleverly marked 'VINTAGE PORN'.

See how thoughtful I am?

Wish me luck!

Oh, and T.G.I.F., you bastards!

coolhandmarty@gmail.com