almost okay

7:43 a.m.

I hate dogs. All dogs, even the nice ones. Even Lyzako's little Taxi and Mom's precious fucking Suzy-Q.

I was walking back from Ferndale two nights ago, whistling along in the cool night air, my newly purchased VHS tape of Pam Grier in 'Bucktown' tucked into my breast pocket over my heart. All of a sudden about four blocks from home I hear vicious barking. I figured it was somebody's fucking idiot hound behind a fence, no big deal. Suddenly, out of the shadows races this black, short-haired devil, barking and snarling as he ran straight for me. He wasn't big, but wasn't exactly tiny, either, about two feet tall at the shoulder. He seemed pissed, though. I jumped back at first, startled, but immediately made my mind up that the motherfucker wasn't going to get a bite out of me and started screaming right back at him, howling and growling even louder than he was. After initially backing up, I puffed my chest out. “I'll kill you, you motherfucker!” I growled. “I'll fucking kill you! Aaaaaaagggghh!” The dog backed off but continued to bark. He trotted down the sidewalk ahead of me tossing barks back at me as he retreated and disappeared into the night. I looked around on the ground for a weapon in case the chickenshit was waiting for me up the street, found a sturdy stick about an inch thick lying on the ground. It wasn't exactly a Louisville Slugger, but it would have to do. I picked it up, felt the weight of it and turned it in my hand to get a comfortable grip. Then I moved out of the light from the street lamp into the shadows, ready to bash the fucker's brains in if it came anywhere within striking distance. It didn't. I walked the rest of the way in peace, but my chest was heaving from the excitement, my heart racing to pump blood to my swirling, drunken brain.

Then, first thing this morning and just moments ago, that fucking worthless scrap of flesh bitch cocksucker mini-pug whore next door was woofwoofwoofing at nothing in particular, pushing the classical music out of my head and forcing me to sit here in my own fucking house, in my office where I have to work all day sometimes, with industrial ear muffs to deaden the fucking noise. I hate her. I hate the fucking idiots who bought her, my fucking piece-of-shit neighbors. I hate the people who breed the stupid rat bastard animals. I fucking hate them all.

I'll let you in on something here, folks. People think that dogs are such good companions, but they only like us and give us affection because we feed, shelter and take care of them. Turn them all out onto the street where they have to fend for themselves and they'll rummage for food until that's gone, then run in packs and kill for their supper. Kill and eat the brains and bellies out of babies. They're fucking animals for crying out loud! If they were really hungry they'd just as soon eat you as look at you. Licking is tasting, people!

And they're not as smart as a squirrel, I don't care what anybody says.